Many people tend to believe that relationships are so hard. Jordan Dann, a Somatic couples therapist, supports that relationships are hard and are meant to be challenging. This is because we must expand who we are to be with another person.
She explains that our neurobiology is wired for attachment, and from the moment we are born, we begin to create a blueprint for attachment. This unconscious blueprint that we carry inside directs us towards our romantic partners.
She mentioned that the challenges and struggles of relationships are a universal rite of passage that we all must pass through if we want to step into a mature, conscious connection with another human being.
Here are some of the provoking truths about love, relationships and marriage that she shared with us to help build our relationships despite believing they are hard to handle.
- Romantic love is a tricky design – Early romantic love brings out the best in people. It sticks around long enough to bind people together, then disappears as quickly as it came.
- Incompatibility is a ground for partnership – With exceptions, the incompatibility one has with their partner is often an invitation towards growth. It helps in healing past wounds and becoming more emotionally mature.
- Conflict is growth trying to happen – Conflict in a relationship is inevitable and has a purpose. Without conflict, there is no growth. As we struggle to understand one another, conflict leads to a new way of experiencing one another’s maturity.
- Being present to each other heals the past – Even with the most ideal and healthy childhood, attachment wounding happens. When you are present and vulnerable with one another, you become partners in your healing.
5. It is not what you say. It’s how you say it – Learning to express frustrations without shame, blame or criticism is an art form. Learning to set yourself aside to be with your partner subjectively without abandoning yourself is an art form.
6. Negativity is invisible abuse – We need to hold that negativity is emotional destruction, and we must learn to embody a way of speaking that doesn’t activate our partner’s defence.
7. Negativity is a wish in disguise – Negativity is an unmet wish. When you feel activated, triggered, negative or frustrated, ask yourself: What do I need?
8. Your mind has a mind of its own. Don’t let it get the better of you – Learn to track cognitive bias. Be suspect when you hear yourself saying ‘you never’ or ‘you always.’ Globalizations are hurtful to your partner, and they are rarely even true.
9. Laugh together about how tricky relationships can be – Relationships are hard work! Rupture and repair is the story of human connection, even in the best partnership. Learn to cultivate lightness about the noble endeavour of intimacy.
10. Do your inner work – The best gift you can give to your partnership is to know yourself. Invest individual therapy, self–development podcasts or books, and discuss your inner life with friends.
